Pain and nostalgia as time killers

I have thought a lot about the theme of time. Time is always something that escapes us, that we can waste easily if we are not careful . We waste time thinking about things we cannot change, and neglect the things that we do.
We waste time on people who don't think of us at all. We drown ourselves in nostalgia, in creating threads from the past, we waste time watching too much television. We waste time, just by passing the time for our boredom.
And being lazy, we waste a lot of time
I have always been a lazy person, my best friend told me yesterday " you ooze out laziness, the way you walk, the way you talk, it's like you are lazy to do anything". I never thought of my laziness as anything but a minor impediment in my life, but now I see how much of a detriment it has been...I take the easy way out, the one that requires the least effort, and in so doing I complicate my life way too much.
But the question is why am I lazy? What causes me to be lazy? I have no idea.
My am I reflective lately.

When we go through changes and severe pain, we tend to reassess our lives and our priorities. We try to see what and how things went awry. Picking up the pieces makes us who we are , and if we had it easy in our lives it just wouldn't make sense.
So time is always good when we learn...and when

Failing to try

I have always become paralyzed with fear. It covers my whole being. It's sort of strange how that happens, I become so afraid of what is going to happen that i cease to become my true self. I fear failure , of not being good enough.
So I give up easily, because it is easier than trying.
Damn I have to get over it before it ruins my whole life...

Being a Bahai and the fast.

Well fasting is here and boy, is it difficult. The important and key factors to know about when referring to fasting is the fact that it is not the physical part of fasting that matters but rather the spiritual element of the fast which is of the upmost importance.

We have to believe that the fast is about change, and growth and having the ability to learn from our mistakes.
The question is....are we always able to do so the best way we know how? Try, and try again till we get it right...begin again and become reborn that is what the fast is really about.

tech savvy and new york times article

No matter where you are, you can always become computer savvy. Technology offers a surefire way to have access to information that perhaps you did not even realize existed. Kind of reminds me of that Disney World ride where everyone saw the future, which was talking to someone via videophone, now that's a plain reality.
Well it goes further , I was browsing the net and I came across an article about Cuba and the youth using the internet to " rebel " against the government.
Please bear in mind I do not take part in politics, but it just brings to mind how, even if you try to control and monitor something, people will find a way. Like a flower in concrete sidwalks.
check this article from the new york times which explains it further :

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/06/world/americas/06cuba.html?ex=1362546000&en=eff6155b2c2d280d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Morphing into crazy cat lady

the image : crazy cat lady, funky smell, slightly askew hair , afghans and the whole lot.

Crazy cat lady.

the image , is actually a real one. i know a woman, we shall call her Marina Shaker...anyways, she came here when she was youngish, stayed here in El Salvador for most of her life and had this home in the middle of the countryside.
As time went on, we saw less and less of her , and people said the amount of cats she got was astounding. Reallly astounding. LIterally, she has sixty cats and counting.

As a former friend of mine said i was " Marina Shaker Jr." because I have two cats, and talk to them ( ok so yes it might seem strange if you are not a pet owner...)
I did not INTEND to have two cats, my cat is a total slut and we thought she was sterile, and boom she got pregnant after a year of not being pregnant
and i gave away most of the cats but one i just couldnt get rid of. So she stayed. Dude, if you saw her pathetic face you would feel sorry for her too.
And then my cat got pregnant and i have three more kittens, greeeat. So now I am becoming crazy cat lady! HELP!

Ok, ok so what is so scary about being crazy cat lady? Well, pretty much the idea of talking to your cats and being batty. But seriously why cats? Why isn't crazy dog lady scary? Or better yet crazy dog man? why is a woman alone considered a really bad thing? Like the thought of being alone , clutching a tattered photograph of a man long gone drives a woman insane?
Is it the lack fo sex?
Dude it must come from the idea of the woman in the attic, the Bertha Mason, the lunatic woman, the Miss Havisham coming out to play. ( Yes those of Victorian novels) those repressed emotions are now cut loose, and the woman, in all her scariness is unleashed. She is the vampiress/seductress gone mad, the she devil, the hag...
But perhaps, she is like the Wife of Bath that given the right amount of lovin' she becomes smoking hot?
Anyways, this still doesn't solve my dilemma of giving away my three cats.
Any takers?

voidless voids

you are like a thousand grains of quicksand
sinking into endless voids


Here's to you. Who always had a way to make me feel never good enough, who allowed me to slip through the cracks. You , who knew me from how i walked, the taps of my foot, the way i tilted my head. And used those very things to get to me......yet i still believed in you...and would believe in you still.
You , who always acted like you were doing me a favour by even speaking to me, who chose to ignore me or leave me waiting in the dark for hours because you couldn't be bothered. You, who spent the time running away instead of running forward.
And I, stood by because I loved you. I loved those few moments when you were who you used to be, that person who would walk miles for me , who saw me as beautiful even in the half light. Because sometimes , when you didnt fill yourself with other voices I could hear you.
But then you would disappear, and i would spend most of my time trying to find you again. And you would hate me for it. Hate me because i would not give up on you no matter how many times you pushed me away.
Because I believed that you were better than that. I guess we both didn;t accept each other. The truth is, i taught you to be like that. I taught you that I was never good enough. I kept doing things, things you ceased to appreciate or notice. It was second nature to take me for granted, or to blame me for everything that goes wrong. And so , you did.
I ceased to be me, i became a vessel for you to dump your shit . I became everything wrong in the world. And i became a measure how no to be... you ceased to understand me because it wasnt convenient for you.
For me, the sun rised and shone especially for you. I forgot to be me, trying to be you.

I know you still blame me. And when you left, when you were too much of a coward to face me, i finally found my voice. It is raspy, and covered with cobwebs but it exists.
And even though, i might forget these things
when i see your face, because Lord knows I do get lost by loving you.
I will always remember, that you did me a favour by leaving.
And even if , you and I never speak again. Remember, that i was not just an accumulation of things, but someone you were lucky to have in your life.

So i finally made the trek to go to the gym. I swear I have never been the most coordinated person in the world and i always felt exposed when it came to the gym.
When I was young , i tried gymnastics, and in the beginning it was really awesome. But then came a day when some kids started to tease me because they heard about me in school, and then that was the end of my gymnastics career
Then i got lazy. I mean I used to bike a lot, but my bike got stolen. I think exercise has to be fun, and come natural cause if it doesn't then u know thats where it becomes a chore. I am gonna try everything from Pilates to Tae Bo to yoga to see which one sticks, and hopefully keep with it
Reaching u know, that year which we all dread makes me thing of those things.
Here's to a couple years later.